I read a post earlier that triggered me into flashbacks. Isnt it weird how things trigger you into something you thought you had buried and moved on....Or you didnt give any acknowledgement to. Sometimes it could be that you just have never remembered. I know that is your body protecting you during a difficult situation. I use to inflict a great amount of self-injury to deal with my sexual abuse, witnessing & experiencing my fathers abuse that he inflicted upon all of us. I was the oldest & I had more abuse over a longer period than my siblings. I have ver little contact with my siblings. I have 1 niece that is 2 yrs old and I've never held or seen her. I do talk to my mom once a week. She doesnt even know that Im in therapy. I don't talk to my father at all. My parents are still married and I always wished that my mom would have left him a long time ago. I never ever saw my mom and dad fight. They always went into another room, outside, or the would wait until we were all asleep. I don't know how to deal with the feelings so I dont talk about it to my mom. The tremendous amount of shit that I had to deal with growing up is a wonder that I didnt succeed in my many suicide attempts. I have not experienced any SI attempts in few yrs now.
I've always had good friends but not one of them knew this about me. I've never just wanted to talk about it until now. This is where I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason and people/friends come and go from your life for a reason.
Me going back in therapy makes everything surreal. A ton of emotions flood back in and I want to run but I cant afford to run any longer. I was watching a movie last pm and felt so consumed with emotions during & after the movie. OMG!!!! I have not been honest with myself for a longggg time. I have not allowed myself to feel much hurt. Between T, reading material, book,s & reading blogs is bringing a lot more of my feelings to the surface. My journey to finding me is still going.
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I don't think you were on denial. Sometimes we are not ready to deal with some traumas.
ReplyDeleteYou were making yourself stronger so that you could stand work it all on therapy.
You are honest to yourself. You were waiting for the right time.
It has arrived.
Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were in denial you would never go to therapy.
I wish you a good journey. Sometimes not talking about is part of the journey too.
Hope it helps.
Ana,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I do see your point and I do understand and I probably was not ready to fully deal with these problem areas in my life. All the comments do help or at least lets me know that I'm not alone.