Chaos

Went in for T yesterday and I have several other crisis going on in my present life. So the emdr session didnt happen. So we talked about the things that are going on and came up with a plan. 1st We have to keep me stable and out of crisis in order to deal with my past. I wish it were not that way but it is.
I feel like I have the same feelings that I did this time last year. Well they are not exactly the same feelings..they are very similiar feelings of being out of control, chaos, swimming thoughts, and sure of only a couple of things. The only thing I am sure of is my beating heart and the love I have for my dogs. I hate having no control of things that are going on around me but effect my life. It leaves me feeling confused and crazy.

EMDR SESSION ONE

I finally had my 1st EMDR session. I went through all the way. So here is how it went for me....It started off with my T moving 2 fingers back and forth in front of eyes and I was to follow them. What this allows your brain to do is somewhat like we experience when we a dreaming or the REM state. When you dream in this part your eyes are moving back in forth in this same motion as she was doing. This allows your left brain and right brain to form a bridge so to say..this bridge allows your brain to process the things that are causing you distress. My T talked with me before that appt day..to let me know somewhat to expect. Then the day of T reassured me that she would be right there and at any time I could stop. I asked before we started how would she know when to stop? T watches for changes in breathing, facial expressions, the way your eyes move, and your body language.
So she sarted off by having me follow her finger back and forth as she moved it in front of my eyes. She stopped and asked me to tell her about any images or feelings came up. I told her about how old I was which was about 7. Before this point I had no memory of things before age 10. Then we talked about it more. I was scared but she continued on. These sets went on for about and 1 1/2.
Let me just say this 1st time was a success. It has opened my eyes so much. It has given me insight so much more than ever before. I have a better sense of appreciation for that little girl that suffered in the hands of selfish assholes..and more appreciation for the woman I am now.
Ok....Im not saying that this process wipes your memories away from you. My memories are still there. Think of it as a bridge to the other side.
I know Ive probably left out a lot of stuff..This is just to have it our there for ppl that want or need to know a little more. I will be writing about my next EMDR session in the next week.

Does Anyone Know This Song

I was reading a blog a couple or so weeks ago. I came across a song and it went something like this "Im right where I need to be" A female voice I remember. I don't remember if it was one of my regular blogs that I follow or if it were someone I was going to follow. If anyone might know what it is please help me if you can. Its driving me CRAZY!! I liked it a lot.

What's Normal

This time last year I was in an awful mess. Now this year its anything but awful. It has taken a huge turn around for the good! Thankful that my life has changed b/c I wasnt sure if I was going to bounce back to being semi-normal again. Then again can anyone define "normal"?
One thing that I am taking seriously is my therapy. For that I am proud of..very proud! That was my present to myself last year even though it hasnt been a bed of roses, probably more like a bed of thorns. It has helped me tremendously in understanding me. Sometimes I definately dont feel normal after T. I can't believe how far I have made it.

Scared Little Girl

Sitting in a corner of my not so new place anymore. Its been 4 1/2 months. Unbelievable! I've came a long way and been through a lot of stuff. Now I have to take care of someone else too.
Sitting in a corner is this little girl that I dont seem to know that much about. This little girl is weak, hurt, scared, and just wants to be feel and be safe.
As I am in thearpy I see this child emerging more and more. I have no clue sometimes what to do. I will try but sometimes there is such a disconnected feeling. It's so hard for me to let go and dig deeper into what I feel. I stuff it like I've always done and just keep going like an energizer bunny or the Super Duper Wonder Girl.

EMDR PART II

I went in for T and that's what I got.. EMDR--Well that was not a success. I went in for it but I could not go throuh with it. I was just feeling uneasy about it. Not because of my T but b/c of me. We will wait and do it at a later time. In the mean time I will still continue to go to my usual T appts.

EMDR

Has anyone had EMDR therapy. My therapist wants to do some of these sessions with me. Ive been going to see her for a little over a yr and she says I am ready. I trust her but I'm still leary of this. She has wanted to do this for sometime now but I keep putting her off b/c I'm scared. So if anyone has any feedback.... please share with me ..postive or negative.