Feel & Deal

I have not been around for a while because my life is pretty much upside down right now. Up in the air and it is very crazy at the moment is the least I can say. Beyond my relationship being split up I've been looking for another place to live and I finally landed something and will be moving in 2 days, seeing a lawyer for legal advice on taking my half of the business legally, and looking in the meantime for backup employment, then my baby brother whom I have not seen in 5 yrs contacted me and wanted me to come to his wedding. I hesitated going but took along a great friend that knows what i've been through. I know I never would've went had she not gone with me. Thankfully I remembered to take some valium before hand and have some for later. I felt as if I would have a heart attack at any moment, however, I pulled through eventhough it was probably one of the hardest intentional things that I have put myself through in a very very long time. Im glad that I went through with it. Got to see and hold my 1 and only niece who is 2 yrs old. Broke my heart to see & feel that I miss out on a lot of things, but I have to look out for me. My brother has never done anything to me to deserve me not talking to him. We are just estranged because of the sexual & physical abuse that went on in my childhood. He's the baby of the family and I don't even know if he really knows how my father, or what happened leading up to me suddenly leaving my home and going for good. That's something that he & I have never discussed. I would like to talk to him at some point in my life about things.... but right now I have my plate absolutely full.

So between all the crap that is going on in my life I still contiue to go to therapy. I want to stop sometimes and never go back! That is not an option in my life right now and I have to keep reminding myself that I can no longer run away from the problems. Even though it may be hard at time with high anxiety and stress, I must see this through. I have to continue to heal.