Confusion

I'm confused to say the least. As I have shared b4 I've been baby sitting a 6 year old. There are many things that are being triggered about my sexual abuse during her stay and after I leave. I try and remain calm while she is around. If it is too much I will go outside on the patio not very far from her. Sometimes I will feel disconnected, or my mind just goes blank but I with this sick feeling in my stomach. Then after I come back around I feel really pissed off and just want to hit something. Of course I don't act on that.... I am just sharing my thoughts. It is as if I have this small window vision of a flash, but I dont recall what happened to get me to feel this way. Does this make sense to anyone? I do know how to keep myself in the moment (reality) most of the time. I know how to do the slow breathing technique, keeping myself grounded or doing something that brings me joy. Sometimes it takes all I have to do these things and other times I zone out and can't do anything and can't seem to shake. I know the more I am in therapy the more I will learn. It's hard though. This is the longest period that I have been in therapy without any breaks. Yay for me!!!! I have wanted to quit or take a break but I'm still there and I will continue as long as I can.
There are a ton of things that I remember about my childhood. Most of what I would rather forget. There are some things that I just can't shake. Before I started therapy this year, I would have memories and sometimes I would freak out and then other times I would remember, but I would become numb to how it made me feel. I mean I didnt validate any further than what was the present feeling. I might have a breakdown but then I would just move and and remain numb for a while or at least until the black cloudy feeling would leave.