No Rope but A String

Still hanging by a string! I thought that I had this one in the bag. No!!!! I have not mastered that yet. Im still here in my life of chaos! I pull myself out of situations that I know I am going to be triggered, hurt, upset, or even a bit excited over. I work hard everyday but will only go out in social situations if I have some closer friends there. I have closed myself off to the rest of the world because Im just not in a good place in my life. Im safe but oh so vulnerable. If I fuck my life up much more I dont know how much longer I can hang in there. Dont get me wrong I am a strong person to most that know me, but right now at this moment and place I am in, in my life, I am probably one of the weakest people I know. I am pretty close to hitting rock bottom. I think I make progress but the minute I do I am 10 steps back. I go look at a place to rent a few days ago and I liked it....didnt love it but I was 70% sure that I was going to take it. So I told the lady how interested I was and asked if she could give me 2 days to think about it and she said sure, call me on saturday. So I left. The next day I sat down and wrote all my pros & cons. There were so many pros = perks. I would be stupid not to take it. The biggest thing was the dogs and the lady was animal lover, she had 2 dogs of her own. So I called her on yesterday to tell her I wanted to sign the lease and she proceeded to say....
I'm sorry but I rented that out to someone else. My mouth dropped open and I gasped for air and said what! You told me you would give me until sat. She just said I know but the lady had the money right then and there so I took her as a renter. I was devastated and was in a world of silence. I said ok but I really wish you would have called me and talked to me 1st b4 making that decision. I said thank you for your time and I guess it just was not meant for me to have the place and I tried to hang up but she still continued to talk and ask me questions. Now this was obvious to me that she was very sorry for her decision. I said thanks again for your time but I have to go. After hanging up I immediately went into another world of not feeling a thing and just kept on working. It was not until hours later that I really began to feel the impact of the answer. I cried and got pissed at everything including myself for not calling the next day after I looked at it. See I am trying to learn to listen to my inner voice but once again I failed at listening to that voice once again. For me this has triggered me into feelings that I have had while growing up. The feelings of being of being trapped with nowhere to go. Then that same day I saw someone that really really looked like one of my molestors. I handled it with great strength but then after he left I was shocked for a few mintues and then became increasingly numb to all that was around me. The longer the day went on the more stupid I became b/c I was not myself. Since then each day Ive been being stupid, not able to follow along with the person so that I can help them. This makes me have to call my ex-partner for helpm (who might at the moment making a service call to anohter business) but most of the time he can walk me through these simple problems that he knows I know how to fix but cant at the moment w/o help. I do apologize to customer and say hang in there with me and I will get you fixed up. This is stuff I DO EVERYDAY! But these are things that are very overwhelming for me. Im not stupid on a normal days but these are simple things and simple questions that I can usually take care of....WTF!!!! I feel like someone else! WHat else is gonna happen b4 that string Im hanging from snaps? What else can go wrong? I feel like I am going to explode or my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I have therapy coming up and I will be sure to share many of these things wiht her.