Unfolding My Life

I sure hope 2010 is better than 2009! Im off to a good start so far. As most of you know I have been looking for a place to stay for months. Along came a deal in Dec and not Im happy to say that I will be moving to my new dig tomorrow. It was a smashing deal and one that was just to good to pass up....So good that I said yes on the spot. Everything about it was just so right down to the landlord being a HUGE dog lover and has 5 of her own. This could not have came at a better time at this point in my life. I was seriously on the very end of what might have once been a thread of a rope. I was at the bottom of my pit but I am glad to say that I am no longer at that spot. I will finally be getting me back to a somewhat semi normal life. I can only take each day one day at a time.
Most of last month was pretty hard on me. I talked to my therapist and we discussed some things I felt I needed to do b4 the end of the year and this was one of the results of our talk --> I braved one of the most dreaded emotional journies one can do.... I went home for christmas after 6 yrs. I still love my mom very very much but I can't stand my father. I took lots of xanax and some sleeping meds in case I got into a spot of desperation. It was so odd to see him not be the man he was when I was growing up. My father was a very hard working but violent, abusive, & neglectful. Then I nearly wanted to vomit when I saw one of my molestors. These vary reasons are why I live 6 hrs away from my family and only talk to my mom once in a while. I went there with the intention of talking to my mom and getting some answers but I found myself choked up. I got no answers only the ugly truth of my past. I took my xanax like I was supposed to and even kept a couple of extra in my pocket.
I would get filled with anxiety and knowing where this will lead, I take my dogs and go for a walk outside. For I know this is about to be a full panic attack. They need to be stopped by slow steady breathing in through the nose and out even slower through the mouth. While in silence and have only the dogs to talk....I had tears streaming down my face. This is how is used to be for me growing up and I see its that way for me now too. As I approach the house, I wipe my hot tears away from my face, gather myself up and walk in the door and turn into this super duper wonder girl. I hid everything as if nothing were wrong or never had been. This is the little girl that I used to be that was until I had enough and I broke. I have not seen that side of me in a LONG TIME. It's almost as if she never went away I just buried her and moved on. My therapist says this is a way that I disassociate. I know my mom wants to talk to me b/c u can see it in her eyes. But, she will not use that door unless I open it first. I still look for the answers that I so long for. This is why I continue to go to therapy, to process, try to answer, & unfold my life so that I can be a better person.