Wounds & Quick Sand

*************************************************************************************This post may be triggering to some please tread carefully. *************************************************************************************

My life seems to be so up in the air at times. Recently making yet another big move in my life. When will things settle down for me? It feels like I have opened this big hole in my life and sometimes I slip further and further down....like quick sand!! At 33 years old I find myself so confused. I feel like I should know what I want. Then again how can I? I've got a lot going on in my life. My therapy has been coming along ok but it scares me too. I certainly did not expect that my life was going to be as chaotic as it is. My friend/roommate whom I moved in with is helping me in a lot of ways but I am realizing more everyday that I have big problems in my life and I've been in denial about many many things in my life. I have for too long been going to therapy with the assumption that I am in control of everything that goes on in there. Meaning that I pick and choose what I want to share or talk about. Yes I know that is not right. I know that now. My therapist does not say a lot about this or I don't even know if she realizes that I am doing this. I'm sure she does though! I have a tendency to clam up and don't talk about the deep dark things from my past. I've been going for almost 6 months but I've barely cried that much. Is that such a bad thing? Yes, I know I need to do it anyway. I am so used to keeping all of the deep things closed off from everyone including me. I have buried a lot of things. Some things I have only a fragment of a memory. The entire past weekend has been an eye opener for me. It is really hard for me to look at me. A lot of things I don't know I do. I have been walking through life sorta blind and definately not true to me. Hell sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own body. My close friend tells me that I seem to have checked myself out. Huh!!!! It's true. I have been going and going and going.... sometimes I can't think, feel, act, love, or be who I am anymore. I'm so tired!
I have 2 dogs that mean the world to me and I have pretty much made my world revolve around them. I love my dogs but I almost went off the deep end and lost it over this past weekend. I got irritated & mad at one of them (I don't remember exactly what triggered the mad feeling) One of them had went outside and rolled himself in shit. He came in and I took him to the bathroom immediately to wash him off. As I tried to get the crap off of him I started feeling really angry. I asked myself why I was mad and why was I feeling this way...I brushed it off and put the thought away. Then I came back out to my living room only to find that he needed to be put back in for a better washing because he still smelled. The longer I was in the bathroom with him the more upset and pissed off I became and then it hit me, I had an epiphany.....
I was really mad at me! I was mad because I am the one that has caused the chaos and the neediness in him. The 1st one came into my life when all hell was going on. After I got him I had something to take care of and something that would always love me no matter what. Then the 2nd one came along after a friend told me that they knew of someone that had a dog but she thought it was being abused and they were going to give it to a rescue place. Anyway I took him on a trial basis and feel in love with him. I knew that it was going to take work but I was willing to do it. I could see that this dog was severly hurt and needed to be taken care of and loved. Now I am the one with these wounds in my heart and I am looking for the wounds to be filled by the dogs. I'm not allowing a human connection to get close enough to me to feel this full circle! As crazy as that might sound that is what I have been doing. I have placed this "job" on the dogs to fill this void in my life. Yes, I know they are animals and they can give me unconditional love. I have always felt at ease when around a dog or that they are a safe place for me to cry. This goes back to my childhood.
My dad would point his finger at me and say dont you dare cry, be tough like your brothers. So I would suck it up and go on but hate him more because I was to be the tough little tomboy. Then god forbid if I cry and he find out, I would get in trouble. If ever I wanted to run away, cry, or just be absent, I always found solace in the company of my dog at the time because I had no one else that I trusted. Maybe you understand? I don't expect you to understand, I am just sharing this from my view. I have cried a many tears but most of the things that I have cried from are things in my immediate path. I think I have never felt safe enough or that it was ok to cry. So I have just have never allowed myself to grieve my past or truly feel the impact that my past has had on me. Sometimes I feel like I am feeling things for the 1st time.
I know when I start feeling things I stuff them back down. If I don't, I start having more feelings than I bargained for and I start having more anxiety, and that scares me. I know the past is the past but there are feelings that make me feel anxious. For instance....I would call child protective services because my dad was physically abusive to my brothers & I. Yet, I would not tell that I had family members who were sexually abusing me. I could say my uncle makes me feel uncomfortable, but I could not say that I was being violated and I was a witness to someone else being molested. Yet, I could tell my mother that I was brutally raped at knife point but I could not bring myself to tell her that I was being sexually abused by family members. Then when I finally did tell my mother what had been happening, she betrayed my trust and told my father after I asked her not to say anything until I was prepared for him to know because I did not want him to know. I don't know why I asked her not to say anything, I mean what was I expecting for her to keep it to herself? This all comes down to a trust issue. I have never truly felt that I could trust anyone with the things that have hurt me the most. My trust has been violated more times than I have fingers. The people that I should've trusted I couldn't. There are people that trust me with their life but I can't say that I have ever trusted anyone with my life. There are still many other things that have happened but there are many of them are a fog or fragmented. I guess I have truly never felt the deep love that I long for so much in my life. The kind of love that people speak so fond of.