Oh My....My life is all up in the air. I had thereapy a couple of days ago. I was already anxious enough as it was before I went. I felt like I my session was all over the board but I did manage to make some sense out of the session. Towards the end we touhed on a subject that I've never talked about. I left feeling blank then as I was going back home I found myself becoming more and more agitated. So I stopped and bought me a 6pk of beer, something that I have not done since I started therapy but I didnt know what else to do and I could not deal with having to talk to someone else at the moment. I got home, still freaked out but didnt know why. I opened a beer, fed my dogs, and then paced around for a bit. Then I decided that I needed to go for a walk to try and clear my head. I came back and nothing had really changed except now I was really confused. I had another beer then took the dogs for a walk. Came back still not able to put my finger on the problem. So I sat down on the couch and texted my friend. I freaked out on her and said that I would talk to her tomorrow because I wasnt in the right frame of mind to have a good conversation. So all in all I had 2 beers, still confused, and had a headache. So I went to bed.
Woke up the next am still confused as to why I freaked out the way I did. I was going into work until 3pm so I had time to kill. So I sat down on the couch with my journal and began writing. I got to a point where I was still confused hours and hours later, so I put my stuff down and sat there numb on the couch. Then I started playing with my 2 dogs. Then I picked one of them up and put him in my arms and held him like you would a baby. I was sitting there and BAM!!!! The flashback hit me like a boulder! I knew why at that very moment why I had flipped the day before, I remembered! I had a miscarriage and never told anyone! Never ever ever!! Not until now have I even remembered. I will not go into details leading up to this event in my life. Now I understand what it means to totally disassociate and how devastating it can be for you when you do remember repressed things. So with that being said....I just wanted to share another confusing but eye opening moment in my life. Im hanging in there one day at a time.
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Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry you're having to remember these things this way. I too, have had really weird flashbacks recently, since being medicated for bipolar. It seems like the more meds I get and every time I get more stable, I remember something crazy from my past. So I can relate in a way. I hope you're able to find a way to settle your mind with peaceful thoughts soon.
ReplyDeleteLove Jena xoxo
Thanks Jena!
ReplyDeletewow, what a thing to forget, and remember. it is sad, how traumatic events lead us to not remember. i have a hard time remembering anything good, much less all the bad. so sad. I am sorry for your loss. really sorry. may you find some peace. hugs. mile 191
ReplyDeleteThanks Mile191! Yes it is very sad! Trying to find my way slowly each day. Thank You
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I am so very sorry this was a painful memory! I certainly have a very hard time remembering a lot of things. ((((safe hugs))))
ReplyDeleteBoy, I know how that feels. I give you a lot of credit for sticking with it until you got some information. Do something really soothing for yourself. Coming down from the flashbacks can be rough. Take gentle care.
ReplyDeleteThank You JBR & Marj for your comments. I'm trying to learn to stick with! Its a very hard thing to do especially when in the past you have ran from things such as this. It's still really hard for me when these things come about. Im still trying really hard.
ReplyDeleteI am just checking on you. take your time. maybe you are healing. the itchy and achy part of healing. i do hope for you. i am sorry for what you went through. hope. ♥
ReplyDeleteThank You Mile191!
ReplyDeleteI am ok just going through a lot right now but I am ok. Thank you soooo much for your words of kindness.